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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222901">if i loved you less</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/behradtarazi/pseuds/behradtarazi'>behradtarazi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>so tell me why my gods look like you [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Femslash February, Grief/Mourning, Tattoos, Unrequited Love, au where jj died during 200, prompt: feather</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:54:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>363</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222901</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/behradtarazi/pseuds/behradtarazi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more." Jane Austen</p><p>Askari kills JJ, and Emily kills Askari, and what's left behind?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>so tell me why my gods look like you [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138562</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if i loved you less</h2></a>
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    <p>There’s a black feather tattooed on the inside of Emily’s left wrist. It’s small, unassuming, a simple thing that she could have chosen just because she thought it was pretty. But she didn’t. She didn’t.</p><p>She clenched her teeth the entire time she was under the needle and thought about pretty blue eyes, didn’t flinch or look away, staring up at the ceiling. She said, once, that she didn’t want to let this job harden her, didn’t want to let it take away her ability to be human. It’s too late for that, now. She’s not sure she feels anything anymore.</p><p>She rejoins the BAU. She can’t leave them, not now.</p><p>Hotch doesn’t like it. He worries about her. Rossi does, too. All of them do, but they’re the stubbornest about it. They consider it their duty to look after the team, and - when she’s on a case and it gets too much, she digs her fingers into the feather and grounds herself in the sharpness.</p><p>There’s a difference between repression and compartmentalization, and she knows which one she’s trying to maintain.</p><p>Grief is a strange beast. She goes from loving Will for having JJ’s heart to loathing him for it, depending on the day, the hour, anything that gets her going either way. She doesn’t show it. Doesn’t say it, because how can you say <em> by the way, I am hopelessly in love with your wife, my best friend, who’s dead body I held in my arms? </em></p><p>She doesn’t say it, but she thinks he knows it, because he isn’t stupid. Henry calls her Aunt Emmy, is fascinated with the dark ink, and she meets Will’s eyes over the boy’s shock of blonde hair, and the pain she finds there hurts more than any tattoo could.</p><p>At this point in her life, she could teach a masterclass in picking up broken pieces. This time, she stomps on the shards.</p><p>The feather fades, as she grows older, but it never leaves her completely. JJ never leaves her completely. Emily can’t say she never loves again, but she never loves like that again, wouldn’t know where to begin.</p><p>Every night, she dreams of blackbirds.</p>
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